Tiger Woods, A Nation Turns Its Lonely Eyes to YOU!!


Oh Tiger, golf just hasn’t been the same since you been gone. I mean, Kenny Perry beat Charley Hoffman in a playoff last week. I’M SO BORED. I remember last year. It was about this time you sunk that crazy putt in Dubai. Little did we know your knee had been disentegrated by then.

WHAT’S THIS?! You’ve sent us a newsletter.

I did some work with Hank Haney for a few days last week and it’s all good. I’m full-bore with my practice sessions and have no restrictions; it’s just a matter of getting my golf endurance up. I don’t have my golf stamina back yet.

Many people have asked me if my swing has changed since the surgery, and the answer is no. I’m doing all the things I’ve been trying to do for a long time, but I can actually hit into my left leg without my bones moving. It’s a nice feeling!

Everyone on the PGA Tour just peed their pants. Then just when they thought they were out of pee they reread that and peed their pants AGAIN.

It is so much better than it ever has been because my bones aren’t grinding against each other. As for my length, I can’t tell if I’m longer. I do know that I’ve lost two pounds since I won the U.S. Open at Torrey Pines last June and weigh 185.

Because Heaven knows you need any extra length you can get you were barely getting by on what you had.

As for my comeback to the PGA Tour, a lot depends on the baby, which is due pretty soon. That takes precedent over anything I do golf-wise. Elin, Sam and I are very excited for the new baby to arrive, although that’s when the real lack of sleep begins. But I must admit, I am also excited about returning to competition. Early on, I didn’t miss golf because I enjoyed staying home with Elin and Sam and I knew I wasn’t physically able to play. The truth is, I would have embarrassed myself. Now, I’m getting my feel and practice back. It’s just a matter of playing more on the course.

Once I come back, I’m not sure how much I will play. The perfect scenario is I come back without a hitch and play a full schedule. At this point, especially with the baby coming, I’m taking it tournament-to-tournament. With our new addition, it’s going to be a hectic spring.

You can’t fool us. We know you don’t reproduce like normal humans. You sewed this baby up in your thigh and she popped out of your forehead just like how Zeus brought forth Athena.

President Obama recently asked me to speak at the inauguration opening ceremony at the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, D.C. It was such an honor to be invited and be a part of history and to speak about something that means so much to me, our men and women in the military. He was very busy, so we didn’t get to talk much. I didn’t want to get in his way. I did ask him if he wanted to play golf and he said, ‘I’d love to.’ So we’ll make it happen. I think the thing that impressed me the most about him was the way he carries himself. He has great leadership qualities, and his accomplishment truly embodies what’s best about America. He represents what we as Americans have in common, not perceived differences.

“Having said that I am undoubtably a closet Republic and will be the first American to completely thrash an American president on the golf course with zero compunction.”

When I do return to the PGA Tour, I’m looked forward to teeing it up with my old friends Notah Begay III and Chris Riley who earned their cards at the Qualifying Tournament. I think it’s great, Notah in particular with all the back struggles he’s had. It’s pretty remarkable. I expect to play a lot of practice rounds with him. I’m also excited for Riles, a former Ryder Cup teammate. Both guys did it the right way – they earned their way back.

He’s lookin at you, JD.

The PGA Tour returns to Torrey Pines this week for the Buick Invitational, a place that’s near-and-dear to my heart. I’ve always loved playing there and wish I could compete, but I can’t. I will probably watch some of the tournament on television.

A lot of people have come up to me and said they really miss me playing, and it’s great to have that kind of support. People have been incredibly nice during my layoff and I honestly appreciate it. I’m working hard to get myself back into tournament shape and will return as soon as I’m ready.

That’s all for now. Talk to you soon.


The Masters can’t get here soon enough.


One response to “Tiger Woods, A Nation Turns Its Lonely Eyes to YOU!!

  1. I don’t know what Obama’s handicap is, I just know he is going to get drilled when he plays with Tiger!

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